Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
