One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
