I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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