I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize