He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
