he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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