Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
