Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
