I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
