the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
