dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
