she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize