I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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