He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
