tell your sister to shave her snatch
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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