Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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