This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
