You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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