No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I need to sanitize my soul.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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