fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
