she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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