Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
