things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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