i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
