just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
