Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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