just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
