and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
