): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize