Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
