home. puking in laundry basket.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
