i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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