Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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