I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
