And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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