when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize