Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
don't judge my taste in strippers
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize