I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
