tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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