I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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