I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
