My cat gives me a boner
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
