Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize