There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
