I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
