I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
