I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
