Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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