my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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