You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
