After last night, I could never be a politician.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
