Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize