I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
