Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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