its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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