Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
