I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
