The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
