tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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