Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
